Today I don't love Thailand. If someone had waved a plane ticket to America in front of me today, I probably would have snatched it right up and been on my way. Before I get to much farther into my rant, I think it's important to say that living in a foreign country, with a completely different culture, language, and perspective, is both amazing and miserable. If you've read my blog for awhile, you know that I don't sugar coat PC service and say things like "This is so great! I absolutely love it here!!!" While I do think it's great and I do love this experience, there are limits. Oddly, I have learned much more about Thailand and myself through the not so great times.
Recently I have been in a weird funk. PC service is a weird roller coaster of emotions and odd cycles and breakthroughs. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand it or explain it. I am happy at site, I want to be at site, but I just want to hide in my house all day and read, study for the GREs, plan for grad school, and exercise. Quite honestly, I don't feel very motivated or inclined to get too involved in my community right now. This cycle will soon come around again, and I will love being integrated and involved in village life. But in the mean time, my overall state of mind is "meh."
This weekend is the annual Rocket Festival (Bang Fai) in my village. People build huge rockets to shoot into the sky as a way to wake up the rain gods so they can plant rice. There is a mini-carnival and a parade. I remember this festival from last year, which is strange to be able to reference events in the village. Anyway, I'll spare you the dirty details of the day and summarize with the following: nasty lunch with indescribable stews with meat parts, sitting around in a hot house waiting for the parade, and then actually carrying a big flag in the parade in the 105 degree heat. They made me wear a straw hat and carry an umbrella, along with a huge flag. The parade went so slowly, we would literally shuffle for about 5 feet and then stop for a couple of minutes, shuffle again, and stop and wait. It was soooo hot and simply miserable. Eventually I half-lied and said I had a headache and I managed to escape the parade early. I ran to my bike so fast, it must have looked like I was absconding from the scene of a crime.
For some reason, on my bike ride home, I wanted to cry. I was so hot, exhausted, and emotionally drained. During the parade, I started to feel really overwhelmed because everywhere I looked, nothing was familiar or comfortable. The food, the people, the clothes, the festivities - none of that is my own culture. Sure I have a decent understanding simply from living here for so long, but none of it stems from childhood memories of doing jigsaw puzzles on Thanksgiving with my family, or having a big BBQ on the 4th of July. This might sound ridiculous, but today it struck me in a really real way that I'm living in a very different culture. And while living in a different culture is an amazing adventure and opportunity, it can be really, really challenging. All I wanted to do today was to go home and be able to eat my favorite foods, and relax like a normal person with my family and friends, and be able to go shopping and buy clothes that fit me, and not have to bike 24km to buy groceries, and not be stared at every time I leave my house, I just want to feel like me. But instead I came home alone to a bucket bath, ants taking over my kitchen, and the inescapable heat. I guess this is what they call homesickness, huh?
I don't mean to sound so dramatic and pity-seeking, I'm really doing fine, I'm happy here, but Thailand sure put me to the test today. As I stood in the 105 degree heat wearing long black pants and a polo shirt, holding a big flag, I would have given nearly anything to be anywhere else. Fortunately, I came home and talked to two of my closest volunteer friends and they instantly understood. We ended up laughing about the ridiculousness of our lives and it made me feel better and more content. But man, sometimes this is really tough.
Love you, Heather!
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