I must be crazy, right?

I love to travel. Ever since my family and I took summer vacations to DC, New York, LA, and Boston when I was in junior high, I absolutely fell in love with the idea of getting on a plane and exploring a new city with interesting places to visit, learning about a new culture and way of doing things, eating new and different food, and the idea that anything can and will happen. I love the adventure and excitement of traveling.

And then when I was 16, I made the bold decision to live with a host family in Japan for the summer. They didn't speak English and I certainly didn't speak Japanese at the time and it was one of those experiences that shapes and transforms a person. I was never the same after that roller coaster of a summer in Japan. It was my first real time away from home and I felt so lonely and homesick; the second I arrived in Japan, I had a countdown on my calendar until the day it was time to go home. I remember crying in the cold shower my first night at my homestay (I didn't know how to turn on the hot water because Japanese showers are oddly high tech). I stood there and cried and thought to myself "How did you end up right here, right now in this cold shower in the middle of Japan with a family you can't even communicate with? You are crazy and this is going to be awful." And yes, some parts of that experience were tough (I wouldn't go as far to say awful, but character building nonetheless). The lessons I learned and the things I realized about myself that summer have woven into my life ever since. I have made some big decisions in my life - moving from the safety and comfort of Fargo to college in DC, and then actually facing the challenge of studying and living in Japan again, and then randomly moving to New York on a bus because I wanted a change of scenery and a new experience. And finally, here I am in the Peace Corps in a rice field in Thailand.

It's funny or ironic or something that here I am again thinking to myself "How in the world did you get here? What are you doing???" Ironically all I have are cold showers if I'm lucky enough to have running water, but that's beside the point. As I sit here and look around at my house and village I again question this decision and more importantly myself; pushing myself harder than I thought I possibly could. Why am I putting myself through all this pain and lonliness again? Am I really going to be doing anything productive here anyway? Is this all a waste of time and money? I left an amazing job, apartement, and life in New York for what? To live in a hot house with mosquitos and lizards alone in a rural village? What am I doing? The hard part is that I don't know the answers to these questions and I still don't have the answers to my questions in that cold shower in Japan. I just don't know.

I don't mean to sound dramatic or over the top with all of this. I am very lucky because I have made some amazing friendships with other volunteers here. Friendships that no one will ever really understand except us because we are in this crazy, ridiculous, abusrd situation together. Although we go weeks between seeing each other, somehow it doesn't matter. These are solid friendships and I am beyond grateful for them.

I also came to an interesting realization the other day. I know I love to travel, so why not sign up for the Peace Corps, right? My realization is that the Peace Corps isn't traveling; it's actually living in a place and learning the language and customs and becoming part of a new community. Yes, I travel on weekends to see other volunteers, but I'm not traveling to Thailand, I'm living in Thailand and that makes a big difference.

Part of me thinks I must be crazy for putting myself through yet another difficult and at times frustrating experience. I mean who does this to themselves? My dad recently reminded me that from around the age 5, I was always finding ways to challenge myself and put myself out there. Well, at almost the age of 26, sitting here alone in a village in Thailand, I'm beginning to believe him. That's the only conclusion I can come up with today.