6 months into this

Today I am content. Yesterday, I made the trek to the city about 35km from me and went to the superstore Tesco Lotus, which is the Thailand equivalent to Target. You can buy milk and frozen chicken and a new TV and jeans all in one place. It's organization and air-conditioning and one-stop shop mentality makes me feel like I'm in America and I like it.

This morning I woke up around 8am (which is very late for my life in Thailand) and rolled over on my comfortable new mattress pad purchased at Tesco yesterday (I splurged. My bed was unbearably hard). I laid there for a few minutes and listened to the dogs barking, my neighbors talking in Thai as they ate breakfast, and felt the wind blow on me as now the hot season is over. Today is Sunday and I have nothing I should be doing.

It's been a day of comfort and laziness. My windows are open and the wind blows in as I lay in my bed and read. I drink coffee (it's Thai instant coffee and not very tasty, but it does the job) and read the news online, a favorite past time of mine. I chop up a bunch of fruit and veggies I bought yesterday (yes, broccoi!) and dance around my kitchen as iTunes is on shuffle on my computer.

This odd, nagging sense of stress surrounds me everyday as I question my effectivess as a volunteer and if I'm being productive and putting myself out there as much as I should or could. Am I doing a good job? Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Why isn't my Thai getting better? What do people in my village think of me? These questions and many, many more flood my mind everyday. It's a different kind of stress than I was accustomed to in the States, but I think it's much more instense and potent.

But today, I'm pushing those questions aside. I'm going to drink another cup of that instant coffee, read another chapter of my book, and put all of my worries and feelings of should aside. I feel content today. I have lived in Thailand for 6 months, I speak the language with some level of proficiency, and what I am doing is really difficult, despite how it doesn't always feel that way. I'm doing okay and I feel content.